Truly the light is sweet, Ecclesiastes 11:7
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Welcome to Searching for Sunshine! |
I've always loved when it snows. I love the way the air becomes still, and quiet. How every footstep feels like a whisper. I love how the snowflakes will stick to my scarf and hat and make me feel like I'm glowing. I love how the snow hugs the trees, clinging on to the branches, as if for dear life. I love taking my dog out when it snows. Watching him sniff about at invisible smells, his tail curling up behind him. The way he jumps through the snow as if he's running through water. I love the snow, I love the way it coats the world in this innocent, peaceful, blanket. I will always love the snow. As I was walking home from my classes today- tiptoeing down the trail, under snow covered trees, the snowflakes kissing my cheeks and resting on my scarf- I was excited. I couldn't wait to get home. I would run upstairs, grab my camera, leash up my dog, and set back down the trail. I wanted pictures of the first snowfall, the prettiest of all the snowfalls. When the red from the maple trees is still visible on the ground, with last leaves of fall still clinging to their branches, it truly is beautiful. About halfway home, everything changed. I didn't want to take pictures anymore, I didn't want to walk my dog. The snow wasn't beautiful, it was scary, it was taunting me. Come, come lie with us, sleep, sleep forever, it's too late for you, but maybe you can spare them. Now this isn't going to be a blog about demons and ghouls. Well, mostly. There will be demons, but not the kind that hunt you down in the dark. The kind that live in my mind, that punish me whenever I dare to be happy. They grab on to me, pulling me back into their clutches, back into the despair, fear, and anguish that is major depressive disorder. On my walk home, they came for me. I had been happy, excited even, when suddenly, as if a switch had been flipped, I wasn't. I wasn't anything, I was numb, and I longed for an eternal sleep. I've suffered with major depressive disorder for over a year now. Some days are good, others, not so much. Today was one of those weird, in-between days. For most of the day, while I was distracted by school and my upcoming test, I was relatively happy. I didn't have time to think about how I was feeling. Sure, I felt a little tired, but that's about all I registered. It wasn't until my walk home, when I was finally able to unwind, that I really started to think about how I was feeling. That was when it hit me, the low mood.
While a low mood is to be expected from time to time, it doesn't make it any less unpleasant. It is, however, part of the healing process. If I look back, my low moods come less frequently, and last for a fraction of the original time. Often times, I am able to get in control of my mood before the spiral starts. Initially, I couldn't even recognize that the spiral was coming until it was too late. Growing through a mental illness is rough. There will be relapses, there will be off days. These are growing pains, we experience them all the time. The most important thing to keep in mind, and I know this can be near impossible, is that it will work out. "I will get better, I will heal."
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